Anyone who’s ever left the States–hell, anyone who’s left a small hometown for a big city, or vice versa–knows that awkward squishy feeling of saying your how-do-you-do’s. Especially in a foreign culture, it’s a guessing game of non-verbals…a form of communication which itself is totally unreliable, because non-verbals are not universal. That cute little informal wave goodbye in America, the one where you fold your fingers down a few times, means, “Hey, come here” in much of East Africa.
It’s the handshakes that always get me. I have always found them very corporate, and I misjudge them every time. I might remember to grip vigorously–especially if it’s a man, and he’s in a nice suit–but I’ll forget to fortify my arm, and I wind up being wobbled about.
Handshakes are not like that in Rwanda, to say the least. There’s a national reprieve from shaking, actually; it’s more hand touching, the kind of contact that qualifies in the States as the derided “limp handshake.” But that’s what’s even weirder, for Americans: lingering contact with a… stranger.
I’ve noticed three categories of greetings: the extended hand-clasp, not so much a clasp really as a mutual habitation of the same hand-space while greetings are exchanged; the lower-arm clasp; and the full-on hug. (There’s also the three kisses for women, or touches of the head for men, but this, like paper money and bureaucracy, is a legacy of the Belgians.)
The arm-clasp is my favorite, because I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like shaking hands but at the wrist level, or higher. I wondered if there was a hierarchy of greetings, if, say, the arm-clasp was for people who aren’t strangers, but aren’t friendly enough to hug. A Rwandan friend told me this is clever but completely wrong (see, “non-verbals are not universal.”). “It is,” she says, “like half a hug,” and easier to execute if there’s, say, a table in the way.
As for the hugging, another Rwandan woman told me, “It’s just our culture. We don’t feel we’ve properly said hello to you unless we’ve hugged you.”
I think Rwanda is going to work out okay for me.
clever but completely wrong….hahaha. Brilliant. at least it’s not stupid and completely wrong.
Cousin Jim used to tease Matt into giving people “limpies” – the limp handshake. You go up to someone, speak firmly and graciously to them, make good eye contact, extend your hand… and then give them a “limpie”. Actually, I just burst out laughing thinking about it, remembering how Jim described and demonstrated his technique. I don’t recommend trying this in Rwanda, though…